Getting Back On Track

I am easily distracted. It's just how I was made. My mind likes to wonder and ponder on the many things that come up in my life. Lately my mind has been pondering about relationships. It has been so obsessed with figuring out what is going on with them rather than focusing on the relationship that I want. And that is a relationship with God. So much has gone on and my heart became unfocused. I know now that dating at this very moment isn't right, and who knows what God will say about me dating in a few days, weeks or months, but right now, He wants me. And I see why. I am still growing and learning about myself and identifying myself in Christ.

So I am going to get back on track.

I started with personal image, something that I've always been insecure about, but then I lost some weight and gained confidence. But now I'm back in a place where I've gained weight again and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I've gotten depressed and upset about it all. So I decided to try and watch what I eat and exercise. And I hate that improvements don't show fast enough, but I am sore in my abs, arms, and legs, so I think that counts for something!!! I am hoping that this change sticks with me, because I've always been bad about self discipline. As I gain self discipline in exercise, I hope to find my beauty in God and not in my weight or look. That's something I need to focus on.

He Chose the Nails by Max Lucado has been a book that's been helping me to get back on track. It's powerful. It goes through the story of Jesus dying on the cross and telling what each part means to us. I've heard the story so many times and have praised and cried over it all, but it seems sometimes like why do we keep coming back to the cross. This point of view has brought back my focus again. Chapter 9 talks about the torn flesh. The chapter talks about how the veil was torn. The door is now open to come and see God because of Christ's death on the cross. "So, brothers and sisters, we are completely free to enter the Most Holy Place without fear because of the blood of Jesus' death. We can enter through a new and living way that Jesus opened for us. It leads through the curtain- Christ's body."-Hebrews 10:19 & 20. Because the flesh was torn, the curtain was torn. The curtain means nothing to the church today because we don't have a Most Holy Place, where back then only the priests could go to ask for forgiveness of the people. And it was so special that they could only go on one day a year. As I've been reading through the old testament, this stood to be true. They worked hard on building the temple and the Most Holy Place. It had special dimensions and items that had to be in it and only Aaron and his sons could enter in there for the people and carry the certain items. But through Christ, the curtain was torn from top to bottom, now everyone had a way to God. Christ's blood offering of himself to be the Sin Offering of all people, the people then up until now, is just amazing. Even typing about it just amazes me. Jesus is our mediator to God. One thing that really struck me about the book was when Lucado said, "We are welcome to enter into God's presence- any day, any time. God has removed the barrier that separates us from him. The barrier of sin? Down. He has removed the curtain. But we have the tendency to put the barrier back up... there is a curtain in the heart... And sometimes, no oftentimes, we allow those mistakes to keep us from God. Our guilty conscience becomes a curtain that separates us from God. As a result we hide from our Master." (page 84)

That quote right there has rung true in my life. Although I feel like Christ has just worked in me and changed me since this summer, I still let the curtain of guilt in my life remain un-torn. I have grovelled in this guilt and let the guilt of my heart identify who I am. But that's not who I am. I have sinned. I have fallen short. I have chosen a path for a while that I let the enemy have control of and not my God. But my God is bigger than that. I have freedom in Him and the veil is torn! The curtain in my heart is becoming torn. And I know I struggle with this because my mind cannot fathom how a God can be so loving and faithful to me although I have messed up. I have let the enemy have control and myself and my own choices have control for too long. That's changing and changing now. I might be in a place where I don't always have the best attitude about school, work, or people but it's going to be different now. I'm not giving in, and I'm going to try hard to not give in. I know that there are going to be days where I am going to fail, and it will be epic failure but my God still loves me and wants me anyways. One thing that I think everyone needs to realize about Christians is we are not perfect. We are normal people who mess up all the time. But we know that we have a God who loves us and calls us His children. He has a plan for us. And even though we mess up over and over again, He is still faithful to us. He sent Christ to come and die on a cross to forgive us of these failures, lies, messes, and if you just look deeply into the story of the cross, you can see that you can trust Him. He has stayed true to His promises, faithful to His people, even when they don't deserve it. There's no need to dwell on the sins of the past, but look to the now and the future, because God loves us and it's all going to work together for His good. That's the best thing about God. We can't wrap our mind around how awesome and great He is. But as we get to know Him better and grow and love Him, He unravels this mystery. And then He works in our lives to make us awesome and great for Him, even in our failures. That's what is so great about my God.

Let's get back on track. Now is the time.

Transfer.

I was blessed Tuesday and Wednesday with an amazing visit to Malone University. Not only did I get to catch up with camp friends, but I also had an official campus visit with all of my questions answered. I felt at peace, welcomed, and at home on that campus. I prayed that if God did not want me there to give me a sign, but everything just went so well. I fell in love with the campus and the community and the people I met. It kind of reminded me of camp, where everyone cared for each other. It was even a blessing to come home and tell my mom and Troy about it. She was kind of interested in what it was like, but when she asked about cost... well that was where she was a little scared about saying yes. But she did say yes. She approved. They approved. And I know that was a God thing. I know money and college is a huge issue in our household. We both had to give and take a little. I can transfer as long as I finish my degree in education but I get to minor in whatever area I want, such as missions. It was such a blessing to come home and feel that everything was just wonderful. As I continue in this journey, I just want to continue to pursue God's plan and not my own. If it's not meant to be and I am to stay home, then I stay at home. I do realize that I do need to start being aware of my surroundings now. To grow here and not wait until I get to a new school or organization. I know that now I am to serve, grow, love and so much more where I am now. I know that work doesn't always give me the opportunity to be able to go to Awakening or other events, but I just pray that I might be able to find something to get me through these next few months. I am loving working with the Youth Group right now, even though it is short term. I have been so encouraged by the student leadership and their passion about growing in Christ and it makes me want more.

Ahhh. I am just so excited about what God is going to continue to be doing. His plan is great and I just want to continue to let his light shine out through me. I am excited to be able to continue on this journey with the Father in control. He is bigger, greater, stronger, peaceful, merciful, loving, compassionate, forgiving, holy, wonderful, awesome. Praise and glory be to our God.

I applied to transfer to Malone University last night after my visit. I felt very good about it all. I know that now I just need to get my transcripts prepared and sent in so I can be evaluated. I can see where I am with Gen Eds. and I can figure out how much longer schooling will take. This next week is going to be busy with getting everything prepared but I am excited and ready to do so. I am excited to pray more about it. I am excited to see what is available for me in the Canton area. But I am excited to spend these next few months still studying here, sharing, serving, and loving here. My attitude adjustment has come and I am going to serve as Jesus would have. I am going to trust in God for provision and a light to the path He has prepared for me. Thank you Lord for this great and wonderful adventure that I am going to encounter.

This Little Light

There is no denying that I have a light in me. Thanks to my Father in heaven because He sent His son here to the earth to set an example of how to be a light and to He was and still is the light to the world! When I was five and my young heart asked Jesus to come into my life, the little light that was in me started to truly glow for the first time.

I am so thankful and appreciative of that gift of love that I have been given, and yet I still let that light get dim at times in my life. The fact is that even in the Word, the Bible, God showed us that we still need to have that relationship with Him. That once we believe and that light starts, we need to continue to have it glow even brighter every day. The great part that we all take for granted is that even if we do mess up, God still forgives us, He just wants to love us and spend time with us and help us to glow. So why all the guilt? I personally allow the guilt of messing up and not living a holy life pleasing to the Lord get to me. If there’s one thing that I hate the most, it is feeling like I have screwed up. I hate to let people down.  The devil tries to have that stronghold on me. To make me feel as if I screwed up too much and now that I am completely worthless in the sight of the Lord, but I’m not. I’m not worthless, I’m not a screw up, I am human, I am his child, his daughter, his princess. He cherishes everything about me. He doesn’t think that I am worthless, he thinks that I am great. And that is why I want to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I want my relationships to be pleasing to the Lord. I want to spend time in His Word and His presence and love and embrace. I don’t want to feel dim anymore. I want this light to shine, shine so bright that my family, friends, and classmates don’t see me, but see Christ in me.

My attitude has had it’s downfall in the past week. And I can start to name off all these reasons and excuses to why it was terrible, but it was terrible because I allowed for it to get that way. It was terrible because I wanted to feel that way. I didn’t want to try. I didn’t want to love. I didn’t want to set the example. I wanted to live for myself in so many different ways. But it’s going to be different. I’m going to pray, I’m going to listen, I’m going to read, and I’m going to rely on God for everything.

Lord, you know that I am nervous and anxious about visiting Malone this next week. I don’t know if this is where you want me to go and I don’t know if you even want me to transfer for sure at all. All I know is that I feel called to grow more in ministry. Father, I want to follow after your plan and not my own right now. I want to go where you want me to be, and if that is at home, then it’s at home. If it’s working a different job, then it’s that. If it’s changing routines in my life, then I’m going to do it. I’m tired of being lazy. I’m tired of sitting back and letting things go. It’s not going to be that way much longer. And Father if I get back into that state of mind, then I pray for a sign or conviction. I pray for a sign of where YOU want me to go and what YOU want me to do Father. Daddy. Daddy, I want to become more intimate in my relationship with you. To grow in you and hear your voice. Daddy, I want to not take your glory and holiness for granted any longer. You are bigger. You are love. You are the ultimate healer and provider. You are grace. You are forgiveness. You are mercy. You are peace. You are joy! You are great! You are wonderful! You are powerful! You are mighty to save! You are here! You are in me! You are here for me! You love me! You want me! You don’t think I’m worthless. You think I am beautiful. You think of me as your daughter. You have a purpose and plan for me, and I trust in that, even when it’s not clear. I give it all to you Daddy! I give it all to you! I give myself to you Lord! I am letting go of me and giving myself to you. And I’ve done this many times before, and who knows if I will do it again. But Lord, Daddy, here I am! I pray to feel your presence again, to hear what you have to say to me and not just talk the whole time. I know I need to work on my listening skills, and Lord I am ready to listen to you!